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He can control his urges for a few months, swearing that this time it will be for good, but it never is. He went outside your relationship looking for something, and that something has a particular meaning. But after my diagnosis we all knew. She killed herself soon after, took every pill she had left. Then lights flashed red and blue behind me. A week later, we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. When I awoke the next morning, my left hand was rigidly curled into my wrist, my wrist into my elbow, and my arm contracted across my chest.

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But you are also mourning the loss of a person you once knew.

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He avoided sex when we were dating, saying he wanted to wait until we were married. At night I lay awake in a house stripped of anything sharp or toxic, knowing that if she really wanted to commit suicide, she would find a way. She concluded that my ideal was to remain monogamous—something my husband could not do.

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The only thing that will truly help is time.

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